Duct tape, pizza are my tools for home repair projects

“I’ve got a guy for that.”

This is my first thought when I face an emergency repair job or home renovation project that’s out of my feeble grasp. I don’t research it online. I don’t look for “how to” videos. I don’t stubbornly attempt it on my own.

Instead, I frantically search through my mental Rolodex to find just the right person for the job. It could be an electrician or a carpenter or a plumber or a car mechanic. These craftsmen hold a special place in my head and in my smartphone.

For anyone too young to know, a Rolodex is an obsolete rotating card file device to store contacts, names and numbers. For anyone who doesn’t know me, my toolbox is an obsolete collection of rusty screwdrivers, old hammers, half a roll of duct tape and a trusty tape measure.

When other men first see it, they literally laugh out loud. My only skill set for household projects and repairs is to serve as a gofer for tools, snacks and jokes about my ineptitude. I don’t mind. It’s well deserved. I’ve never been handy with such things, and I stopped caring decades ago.

“Jerry, bring me that ⅜ ratchet,” a friend told me while repairing a household appliance.

A what? Is it marked? Where? Huh?

“Never mind,” he snapped. “I’ll get it myself.”

This has been a typical interaction with other guys since my teenage years. All of those men, and women, grew up and learned skills to apply in their home and workplace. I learned only how to keep these kind of people in my life. Ratcheting together personal connections is my most valued skill set.

Earlier this summer, I purchased a lamp post to replace one from the 1970s. At no point during the purchasing process did I consider installing it on my own. I feel proud of myself when I can unscrew a stubborn light bulb from a fixture. True story. A new lamp post, wired to electricity and a cement foundation? No way.

Fortunately, my son Josh offered to replace it with one of his co-workers. They showed up after their workday, summed up the scope of the project, drove to Menards to purchase the needed items, and returned to my home to complete the job. I was genuinely impressed. It would have taken me that long to find the right circuit breaker to turn off in the basement.

My role in the project was to order a pizza. And to be a gofer, again, though they spoke to me in a foreign language about tools, specs and dimensions. I pretended to understand what they were talking about. A knowing nod goes a long way with guys.

In the meantime, I hammered them with riveting questions about lofty topics that no one cares about. It’s my most trusted skill besides physical labor. I could interview a 250 millimeter pipe wrench if I had to. (I had to Google the correct name for that tool.)

“Just YouTube any project,” my old friend Donn Taylor told me for household repairs. “You can YouTube anything.”

Sure, I can pull up tutorial videos to teach me how to fix my dishwasher or install new cabinets or replace my basement sump pump. But then I still have to actually do the job. Unlike most guys I know, it’s not a personal challenge to me. It’s my personal hell.

Satan would love nothing more than greeting me with a sneer, an endless list of household repairs and a complete set of Snap-on tools. (I had to Google this too. It can cost upwards of $50,000, making it a top choice for professional mechanics and technicians.)

For the past few weeks, I’ve been putting off a major repair project in my kitchen. No, it’s not the cabinets or flooring or countertops. It’s re-gluing a plastic strip on the floor between the kitchen and foyer area. I’ve tried Gorilla Glue, super glue and every other adhesive product in my garage.

Today, in honor of this column, I tried it with a new product. Wish me luck.

By the way, my garage is like the Island of Misfit Toys from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” It’s filled with random, unwanted tools that never get used. If they could talk, oh the funny stories they could share about my attempts to use them through the years.

The only garage item that would stick up for me would be the duct tape. I am a master at using duct tape for pretty much anything except for actual ducts. I’ve never interacted with a duct. I don’t plan to.

I keep a running list of odd jobs that need to be done at my home. It includes replacing sconces outside my garage, repairing a sagging strip on my garage door, and tearing out a set of shelves that were likely installed during the Reagan administration.

I know a guy for each job, but getting them to do it is the tricky part. I rely on patience, pizza and lots of subtle hints. Do you know how difficult it is to weave “sconces” into a casual conversation?

Well, I’ve got a guy for that, too. It’s me.